JOE GRUBE
Alias: “The Mayor” · Case No. 07-11
- Classification
- Absent, not missing. Missing persons are a police matter. The subject is an attorney; he understands the distinction. It is worse.
- Last seen
- Downtown Seattle, Monday. Photographed in high spirits. He has not been seen since. The shirt is considered distinctive.
- Description
- Sitting Mayor of this group; man of the people; licensed attorney; Bar Ted regular in good standing. Charming. Talkative. If engaged, allow time.
- Possible whereabouts
- Seattle. Missoula. Great Falls. Reported in that order. The Bureau has plotted these points on a map. They form a line. The Bureau does not like where the line is going.
That’s (754) 346-3563. The line is always open.
Notice of Summons · By order of the B.A.R.
By order of the B.A.R., Joe Grube is hereby summoned to appear at Bar Ted immediately. Failure to appear will result in default judgment: you buy the next round.
The Mayor has now been absent for
41 days, 10 hours, 11 minutes
Leave a tip: Form B-4
Wall of Tips
- Voice StatementEvidence AudioRuntime 0:12
The, the method shows up a harry and call them back. They get the sense that they do that.
- Voice StatementEvidence AudioRuntime 0:26
Um, well, all I have to say is, you know, rumors, rumors and you know, songs or songs and, you know, we gotta live our lives. Also keep an eye on that that some his guy period during the period. He's not, he's not as jovial and make sure he thinks, you know, ask him about the yellowstone bear thing. Anyway, I got, i'm just losing coverage. You've got to go.
- Voice StatementEvidence AudioRuntime 0:30
Joe, joe, this is Craig. I just wanted to tell you that I, I really missed you this weekend. A really a next time if it's going to be a big hug. But in the meantime, I'll hold them. This is pretty awesome. This is pretty awesome. Bridge the awesome I'll talk to you later take it easy.
Evidence Photo It was the sunrise picture. Joe is always there. I think I saw Joe in that photo!
Evidence Photo I have this friend in Colorado who recently attended a concert at Red Rocks on or around June 26th. She was texting that the sweetest guy was next to her. She was totally endeared by how into the music he was. I mean…that face seemed very familiar…
Evidence Photo Well, I know exactly where Joe is this weekend, and anyone who truly knows Joe Grube will understand. This year is the 25th anniversary of Joe's favorite movie, one that he has helped him through some tough times and has inspired his career. Legally Blonde starring Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods is a seminal work for Joe and his partners and there is a cosplay convention this weekend in Boston. Joe, being fully devoted to his cosplay image, is in attendance and is actually keynote speaker for the event. Give him a break, he probably won't miss another Camp Cash until the ten year anniversary for Wicked.
Reports of a wild man double fisting rose magnums near the Mayor’s last known location.
- Voice StatementEvidence AudioRuntime 0:19
Steve, hey, um ivan, senior poster around can cash, and I just think you are really cute and I was wondering if you'd want to go out some time. Anyways. Give me a call. I'm also in the seattle area and would love to party. Okay. Hope to talk to you soon. Bye bye.
I think I saw the Mayor flying over Lake Washington on Friday July 10th. The plane was so bright it must’ve been coated in gold. I thought he landed on the lake and exited to Gas Works park. The only reason I believe it was him was everywhere he went he left a trail of sparkly sequins and empty champagne bottles. We miss him terribly and need our hugs.
We saw a sparkling glint in the bushes while strolling through Soaring Eagle Regional Park. We rushed over, thinking it must be a glass of shimmering Rosé. Joe must be nearby. Turned out to be a Sasquatch chasing butterflies.
Evidence Photo He walked past me outside a government building. Suit and tie, moving with purpose. He said, "you did not see me." I saw him.
- Voice StatementEvidence AudioRuntime 0:26
Hi there, I am a terran daily and was just calling to. I don't know if it's necessarily exciting, but it's, it's been a couple of weeks that about 3 weeks ago, jo gruber was at our property. He didn't bring with him a keyboard and play to small concert for friends, but he has not been seen since then. I don't know if those bread crumbs will be helpful, but if they are, I sure hope that he has found soon. Thank you.
Bulletin 07-11-B
Known Aliases & Disguises
The subject is a known master of disguise and is considered charming. He may be operating on the festival grounds under any of the following identities. Do not be deceived. It is him.
CHAMPAGNE HEIST KEYBOARDIST
the ivory tickler
Performs keys for a touring act that conceals their faces. Surveilled at last year’s festival: pearls on the balaclava, sequins on the shirt, champagne at both ends of the keyboard. Neither bottle was shared. The face is covered. The hands are not. The Bureau knows those hands.
JOE “GATOR” GRUBE
the tracksuit
Full tracksuit, regardless of temperature. The tigers are decorative. The gold is not. Answers to “Gator.” The Bureau asked why. He said, “you know why.” The Bureau does not know why.
THE POSTMAN
first-class fugitive
Presents as a postal worker. If he asks you to sign for something, do not sign. There is no package. There never was. Witnesses confirm he is still out there making deliveries. He has no route. Nothing has ever arrived.
CABANA BOY
the towel service
Operates wherever shade is available. Offers towels that are not his to offer. If he asks whether you have “tried the frozen one,” do not answer. Signal an agent.
Official evidence timeline
3:05 PM · Latest bulletin
Agents have been dispatched to check on Martine (spouse). They report she is doing well. Too well. The Bureau notes: it's always the spouse.
12:58 PM
Jamie, "the getaway," observed packing a bag with intent and hugging regulars for slightly too long. Asked where they were going, Jamie said "nowhere." She is now under surveillance.
12:31 PM
Unconfirmed reports place the subject in the vicinity of Missoula, Montana. The Bureau has questions. Missoula has no answers.
12:19 PM
Deputy Mayor Ted described by witnesses as "unusually chipper." He has begun comping drinks "in this difficult time." The Mayor's tab was voided at 12:13 PM. The Bureau notes the timing.
12:04 PM
The Mayor has failed to appear at Camp Cash. Constituent services have halted. No baby has been kissed in over an hour. Shaun, lead bartender at Bar Ted, reported him missing. The Bureau has corrected the paperwork to read "absent."
Friday 9:15 PM
The Mayor was noticeably absent from the Friday evening portion of the festivities. Attendees began to wonder aloud. The Bureau opened a file.
Friday 2:14 PM
Subject photographed outside a government building. Location withheld. He was dressed for something. A second photograph appears to be a self-portrait. The Bureau notes the smile.
Monday 8:41 PM
CAM 02 records the subject with a known associate and two bottles. Both appeared pleased. The associate has been identified. She knows what she did.
Monday 8:12 PM
Subject photographed in downtown Seattle, in high spirits and a distinctive shirt. This is the last confirmed image of the Mayor.
Persons of interest
- Photo declined. Through counsel. “Je ne regrette rien.”
Martinethe spouse
Bureau protocol: always check the spouse. Mrs. Grube stands to gain from the Mayor’s absence: the remote, the closet, custody of the rosé. She has since been observed cuddling the dog in a manner agents describe as “victorious.” Stated alibi, delivered in French: “Enfin, la paix.” The Bureau had it translated. It did not help her case.
Suspect. Motive: obvious.
Status: not ruled out 
Jamiethe “getaway”
A long-rumored plan has Jamie and the Mayor absconding together. Jamie is, conveniently, also difficult to locate. Last photographed in a wide-brim hat, tinted lenses, leopard print, and a fanny pack agents describe as “packed.” That is airport clothing. The Bureau isn’t saying it’s a romantic escape. The Bureau is saying: check the airports.
Not a suspect. A destination.
Status: not ruled out
Tedthe proprietor & Deputy Mayor. The prime suspect.
Ted has always been #2, right below the Mayor, and with Grube gone, he is first in line to assume the office. Means, motive, opportunity. Ted benefits. Owns the crime scene. Has been heard answering to “Mayor.” He does not correct them. Insists he is “merely a humble public servant answering the call of duty.”
The Bureau is not saying it was a coup. However Ted did not look surprised.
Status: not ruled out
Reward fund
Search funded: 34%
The reward fund currently holds one (1) untouched glass of rosé, going warm in evidence at Bar Ted.
In the news
- The Camp Cash ChronicleMAYOR MISSING: CAMP CASH LEFT LEADERLESS
- The Camp Cash Chronicle“WHO WILL KISS THE BABIES?” A SHAKEN CITY ASKS
- Mountain West DeskWITNESSES PLACE GRUBE IN MISSOULA; OTHER WITNESSES PLACE HIM SCHMOOZING
- MetroCONSTITUENT SERVICES SUSPENDED; ABANDONED ROSÉ THE ONLY WITNESS
- City Hall BureauDEPUTY MAYOR ASSUMES CONTROL “RELUCTANTLY”; TAB VOIDED WITHIN MINUTES
- Wire DeskGRUBE PHOTOGRAPHED OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT BUILDING; ONE PHOTO APPEARS TO BE A SELFIE
Print the official circular
Circular No. 1 · Pull tabs
Requires scissors and resolve. Post where permitted. And where not.
Download for print
Circular No. 2 · Flat
For windows, poles, and break rooms. Tape is not provided. The Bureau has been clear about this.
Download for print
Letter size, color, print at 100%. Every pole is a lead.
Join the search
Prefer the phone? Call the tip line at (754) FIND-JOE. The line is monitored in connection with the ongoing search. You have the right to remain a regular.
Records request? See Records Request No. 0009 (transcript, tip line, menu option 9).